SHYBOY stopped texting. mixed emotions to follow.
CHEESEHEAD shares a secret. He is seeing someone. It’s not me.
MR. KNIGHTLY remains distant with a side of “remember that one time?”
AND finally…. How the phrase “just one of the guys” has recently made my insides scream.
I think I am afraid of girls. It’s not that I don’t like them, don’t trust them, or even don’t connect with them. I do. In fact sometimes really well. However, keeping that long-term friendship going beyond any commitment we already share (like a class, rehearsal, or a meeting) is so difficult for me. I don’t get it.
The other day I was supposed to go out with the guys. BOUNCER, FRIEND-J, and MR.KNIGHTLY. They are late night people but by 10:30pm they still hadn’t decided on any sort of solid plan. Reality set in for me that I was going out with a bunch of guys again.
BOUNCER: FRIEND-C says to text FRIEND-S.
ME: Why? We haven’t even made plans yet? What do you want me to say?
BOUNCER: I dunno….just thought you’d like some girl company.
ME: oh.. right.
No. No I don’t want “girl” company. Why? If I invite her then I feel like I have to stay by her, make sure she is okay, watch for pretator-ial men. I don’t want to do that. I know . I know. I don’t HAVE to–but I DO. I don’t want her to be like ” So-N-So just ditches girls to hang out with the guys” or “let’s go in the corner and talk about the men–not TO the men.” Oh man, you are thinking this isn’t everyone. I know it isn’t. I know it’s just a made up sanction in my brain.
I swear that’s what did it, him telling me to text some girls. (Plus, the fact that I know that’s an ulterior motive–it’s not that he wants me more comfortable, he wants some GIRLS…I am not a girl… I am “just one of the guys.”) I MUST be afraid of them. Will they like me? Will they hate me? Why can’t I walk up to a girl and make a friend like I walk up to every man I see if he looks interesting? It’s not like I am attracted to girls….you know… like THAT. But I can’t. I just can’t. I feel weird calling girls . I shouldn’t say girls as a blanket statement—I should just say it takes me a REALLY long time to get to know a girl enough…to really talk. Wherein, for some odd reason I only take about half that time with the male population.
Its stranger still because I am one of those people who thinks a boys brain and a girls brain think very differently. I think we have different needs, wants desires. (obviously we all do–boy or girl) However, I believe in the masculine and the feminine. Sometimes there is no doubt in my mind that I am a female–I want babies, I cry, I coo at cute toddlers and I LOVE chocolate. Then there are other times where I question my femininity–like that I would rather have a guys night out than a girls. I would rather shoot pool, drink whiskey, and watch The Walking Dead over TLC and a loud gossip fest.
I was supposed to go out with the guys this Friday, that is what I am trying to get to here. I was supposed to go out drink some beers, smooze with some strangers, maybe play some darts, and probably pass out on a floor after teasing FRIEND-J about his late night tator tot baking.
Classy I know.
The only problem was–by the time the guys wanted to go out I felt my femininity creep in. Maybe they just hang out with me because they feel sorry for me? I felt my heart start to cringe at THE question I usually got. (assuming we would meet new people).
STRANGER: Hi–I’m SO-N-SO
ME: Hi I’m _____
STRANGER: So one of these guys your BF?
MR.KNIGHTLY: Oh…no she’s just one of the GUYS. *smile*
nooooooooooooooooooooo. but yes. *sigh*
I told them I had lost my whim to go out–and they probably didn’t want me around anyway because I was bumming. Of course they asked me the next day what happened.
BOUNCER: Why exactly did you stay home anyway?
ME: you don’t want to know
MR.KNIGHTLY: Yeah what did I do?
BOUNCER/FRIEND-J: *Laughing at Knightly*
ME: thanks….. no… I was just feeling depressed, lonely… didn’t want to bring you guys down and all with my girlishness.
Because I am sick of being part of the guys and not having a guy? Because I have no girlfriends to talk about you guys with… I am not sure. Because CHEESEHEAD told me he was seeing someone? Because even though I had lost interest in SHYGUY it still kind of sucks he gave up so easily? because if I have to listen to one more person think I am a “guy” I might just scream. Because I know I am “just one of the guys” and part of me loves it…but not the part of me that is around now. Do you know what I mean? Oh yeah…and also MR.KNIGHTLY…the other night when I noticed your eyes out loud that wasn’t the first time. The other day when I said we were BFF’s I meant it. Also, yesterday when you reminded me of a time seven years ago ….you know when we were goofing around–I dunno having some sort of marker battle…I lied when I said I didn’t remember… I lied when I said I didn’t remember suddenly standing up and having to go… I remember that moment. The first denial. I was just surprised you remembered.I dunno…I am just ready for something to happen—I wish I wasn’t so stubborn and picky with the men I date sometimes. I am frustrated about it being slim pickens’ again…..
ME: Just ready for something to happen–done being single…ya know.
I know–It will happen when it happens….but really…..
DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND.
W.T.H. last night sucked. tonight’s not much better. Get here. ASAP.