You know, again… I write you because I am a bit impatient.
Do you know how many babies were in church today? THREE! Three babies. Do you know where they were? Right next to me. Very cute, but a constant reminder that I do not have one. Now, I am sure you understand what is vexing me today. I would still very much like to meet you someday, you know soon….
I made some homemade enchiladas today. I am getting very good at cooking–so now would be as good a time as any for me to make you a meal. Also, I’m getting my sewing machine repaired–so it will be golden for repairing any holes in your pants. As domestic as that sounds I am not going to lie–I still need to work on not killing my plants, doing my dishes, and finishing the crafts I pin on Pinterest.
You not answering, I am beginning to think… is my fault. I have noticed lately that I have a complete mistrust in men. Even in the men that I am friends with. I went grocery shopping the other day and some “thug-like” creatures were hanging around. They seemed to have walked past me multiple times–and the older man with them even said hello. While he didn’t seem to scare me that much I still felt standoffish. I don’t want to be–but I just picture everyman as wanting only one thing–a nice way into my damn pants! As I left the store they 3 young men were congregated in the middle of the parking lot, texting or talking. I shuffled by with my cart and one shouted out to me.
“Do you need any help?” He asked a bit playfully.
“No, no thank you.” The last thing I want is for you to follow me to my car and know what I drive. The last thing I want you to do is be closer to me and me to fear all the things that you are thinking in your head. Dirty Dirty men…
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, thank you…” I replied taking all of my bags a bit quicker to my car–feeling watching, feeling objectified. ugh.
I knew this before today, it is a constant revelation to me. It would be amazing that we become friends anytime soon because I will be hard to get to. Most likely to me you will come off as a creep–or Mr. Darcy in Pride in Prejudice, before I even look twice your way. I do not know if I am more aware of the men I come in contact with and my feelings toward them because of recent events or because of–just because. My friend was raped in August, and I feel that has made me more aware–but it could just be I am an un-trusting women.
I was out dancing with a couple of my girlfriends the other day. This guy–whom I refer to as the drunk-guy that is always there–suddenly appeared with a glass of water for us. Why? I do not know.
FRIEND-M1: oh, thanks…no thank you…
DRUNK-GUY: You want some water?
FRIEND-m2: oh…no…no thank you.
DRUNK-GUY: *still holding out cup*
ME: *I turn around and see them politely refusing*
DRUNK-GUY: gives up walks away–probably thinking *bitch*
Well, that is good and bad. I know FRIEND-M1 and M2 are to nice–and it has gotten them in awful situations with men. Situations that make me shiver from anger. They both were surprised at my bluntness towards the man, but later thanked me for role-modeling assertiveness. You see a rapist picks a woman by her passivity. If somebody saw this guy following M1 or M2 out and they did not know them they wouldn’t think twice. This is because they were really nice to DRUNK-GUY, maybe they know him? Maybe they like him? Unlikely, but there passivity opens them up to culprits with sick sick minds. My definite “NO” (even though it could have been and most likely was just H2O) told that man to back-OFF.
…Then I have the entire situation with DUDE. A story that has left a scar on my heart, even though I plead that I will not allow it to affect me, and I have come a long way, it does still linger. It lingers like EX-fiance lingers…. with me wondering…Why? What-if? And How do I find something worth fighting for?
So, I guess this is me apologizing to you, because I know one day I will be able to trust you, with my heart and body. For your sake, I would start praying that when I meet you, I will be able to trust you enough to give my number, or to even allow you to talk to me, and not run the other way.
have a good Sunday,