Dear Future Husband….letter 2….

You know, again… I write you because I am a bit impatient.

Do you know how many babies were in church today? THREE! Three babies. Do you know where they were? Right next to me. Very cute, but a constant reminder that I do not have one. Now, I am sure you understand what is vexing me today. I would still very much like to meet you someday, you know soon….

I made some homemade enchiladas today. I am getting very good at cooking–so now would be as good a time as any for me to make you a meal. Also, I’m getting my sewing machine repaired–so it will be golden for repairing any holes in your pants. As domestic as that sounds I am not going to lie–I still need to work on not killing my plants, doing my dishes, and finishing the crafts I pin on Pinterest.

You not answering, I am beginning to think… is my fault. I have noticed lately that I have a complete mistrust in men. Even in the men that I am friends with. I went grocery shopping the other day and some “thug-like” creatures were hanging around. They seemed to have walked past me multiple times–and the older man with them even said hello. While he didn’t seem to scare me that much I still felt standoffish. I don’t want to be–but I just picture everyman as wanting only one thing–a nice way into my damn pants! As I left the store they 3 young men were congregated in the middle of the parking lot, texting or talking. I shuffled by with my cart and one shouted out to me.

“Do you need any help?” He asked a bit playfully.

“No, no thank you.” The last thing I want is for you to follow me to my car and know what I drive. The last thing I want you to do is be closer to me and me to fear all the things that you are thinking in your head. Dirty Dirty men…

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, thank you…” I replied taking all of my bags a bit quicker to my car–feeling watching, feeling objectified. ugh.

I knew this before today, it is a constant revelation to me. It would be amazing that we become friends anytime soon because I will be hard to get to. Most likely to me you will come off as a creep–or Mr. Darcy in Pride in Prejudice, before I even look twice your way. I do not know if I am more aware of the men I come in contact with and my feelings toward them because of recent events or because of–just because. My friend was raped in August, and I feel that has made me more aware–but it could just be I am an un-trusting women.

I was out dancing with a couple of my girlfriends the other day. This guy–whom I refer to as the drunk-guy that is always there–suddenly appeared with a glass of water for us. Why? I do not know.

FRIEND-M1: oh, thanks…no thank you…

DRUNK-GUY: You want some water?

FRIEND-m2: oh…no…no thank you.

DRUNK-GUY: *still holding out cup*

ME: *I turn around and see them politely refusing*

ME: NO.

DRUNK-GUY: gives up walks away–probably thinking *bitch*

Well, that is good and bad. I know FRIEND-M1 and M2 are to nice–and it has gotten them in awful situations with men. Situations that make me shiver from anger. They both were surprised at my bluntness towards the man, but later thanked me for role-modeling assertiveness. You see a rapist picks a woman by her passivity. If somebody saw this guy following M1 or M2 out and they did not know them they wouldn’t think twice. This is because they were really nice to DRUNK-GUY, maybe they know him? Maybe they like him? Unlikely, but there passivity opens them up to culprits with sick sick minds. My definite “NO” (even though it could have been and most likely was just H2O) told that man to back-OFF.

…Then I have the entire situation with DUDE. A story that has left a scar on my heart, even though I plead that I will not allow it to affect me, and I have come a long way, it does still linger. It lingers like EX-fiance lingers…. with me wondering…Why? What-if? And How do I find something worth fighting for?

So, I guess this is me apologizing to you, because I know one day I will be able to trust you, with my heart and body. For your sake, I would start praying that when I meet you, I will be able to trust you enough to give my number, or to even allow you to talk to me, and not run the other way.

have a good Sunday,

me

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Picture the end of 2012 the begining of 2013

The snow tried to stop me from enjoying the Holiday

The snow tried to stop me from enjoying the Holiday

Enjoyed clearing a closet with my Aunts.

Enjoyed clearing a closet with my Aunts.

found my Aunts singing on the piano reel (Christmas)

found my Aunts singing on the piano reel (Christmas)

Did Puzzle with Aunt #2 and Grampa

Did Puzzle with Aunt #2 and Grampa

Watched Aunt #5 & #4 build snow-women

Watched Aunt #5 & #4 build snow-women

Spent New Years at the same old place but made many new memories...

Spent New Years at the same old place but made many new memories…

Passed out on New Years....DAY with all the same old folks and their very cute animals...

Passed out on New Years….DAY with all the same old folks and their very cute animals…

Went to my holy day of obligation :)

Went to my holy day of obligation 🙂

Made New Years resolutions to play my guitar and do those pintrest pins

Made New Years resolutions to play my guitar and do those pintrest pins

....found this on Pinterest...made sense to me

….found this on Pinterest…made sense to me

attempted to fix these pants....

attempted to fix these pants….

texted my mother some love....

texted my mother some love….

almost fixed....

almost fixed….

not like my pants...

not like my pants…

not quite right... hmmm....

not quite right… hmmm….

needle breaks...typical....

needle breaks…typical….

mom offers support

mom offers support

yup...and I couldn't get it fixed after... so I have another almost done project.

yup…and I couldn’t get it fixed after… so I have another almost done project.

ghetto version of a humidifier....because my nose has bled like a nerd 4 days in a row...

ghetto version of a humidifier….because my nose has bled like a nerd 4 days in a row…

AND FINALLY I kicked some major nerd ass... in RISK... (yea I won)

AND FINALLY I kicked some major nerd ass… in RISK… (yea I won)

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Dear Future Husband or If a miracle should happen…

Dear Future Husband,

Where are you? I have been sitting here on my couch watching Pride and Prejudice (the long BBC version), eating popcorn and chocolate, and generally being awesome all day long. I cannot believe that you have not found me yet–especially since Mr. Darcy is being extremely prideful for the last 2 episodes. Dreadful really.

I was hoping that where ever you are you could at least show up before I am 30. I have this notion of having children and being happy in my near future. I would much prefer to sit on my couch watching, well anything, with you–and popcorn and chocolate still. (Although probably less than what I have consumed today in order to still be a lady)

Now, if you would kindly tell me where you are today I would be more than happy to meet you. I think that you might also be a bit happier–as I have devised many different ways to spoil and love you. However, if you continue to hide from me these things are just going to pile up and sit on Pintrest, in my journal, and perhaps wasted on others not worthy. (I have of course done my best to NOT do this…but I’m not as strong in reserve as I once thought.)

I know you probably won’t want to watch Pride and Prejudice. I won’t make you watch. Except for on Jane Austen’s birthday. On that day we will have to watch at least one of the books to movie adaptations of Austen’s beloved novels. On other days I would happily hand over the remote to you to watch football, the news, or even The Walking Dead. (In which case I would happily watch with you also) In other cases, as long as you let me cuddle next to you, or at least warm my cold feet; I will simply read a book next to you.

I have a couple good books I read and read over again. (You can guess who my favorite author is) I am happy to read most anything though from our backpacking magazines. I’m sure by the time I get to read them–you’ll have dog eared the pages. If you have not though I’ll bend the corners of the pages with interesting articles. This way you and me can converse about new things while we are hiking through the woods.

Anyway… just touching base with you. I should be done with school in May, so if you let me know where you are I might start looking for teaching jobs near you. Of course we can go anywhere you want–I’m not really looking to stay in Ohio. What do you think about North Carolina? Alaska?

Yours truly,

your future wife….

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Christmas Magic

On Christmas Eve I headed north–on a journey and visit that took more days than planned AND before I had finished my final for my online class. I couldn’t resist though. My whole heart ached to be near my family–my grandpa, my aunts, a cousin. They live almost an hour and half away. My GRANDMA-H’s death in my rear view…made me want even more to spend some time with who is important to me. It is unfortunate that The H-FAMILY does not get together anymore. (as noted in previous post) But K-FAMILY Does.

The snow slowed me down more than my unfinished essay. On the way up it started to snow and the roads were quickly getting more and more covered. It is at times like this that I break down inside. My GRANDMA-H just died. GRANDMA-K is gone to. I have an essay I have to do by midnight. The roads are stopping me from getting to family safely. I’m still single and alone. Where is he? The roads are AWFUL! I hate driving in the snow. I miss Grandma….

*tears*

*breathe*

*Prayer for GRANDMA-K to intercede on my behalf to the big man*

….and suddenly the roads start to clear. You would think as you get closer to the lake, LAKE effect would cause MORE snow. Untrue on this day.

*Thank you to GRANDMA-K and her multiple rosary’s and novenas to be close to the BIG MAN UPSTAIRS*

I made it to GRANDPA-K’s in the daylight. I finished my final at his house. I was even able to watch a Christmas story or two with AUNT-#4 and AUNT #1 and GRANDPA-K. I got to wake up on Christmas day and go to mass with AUNT#1.

AHHH. Everything was perfect.

Now before I go any further let me just say that some might think that there was nothing to special about it. There wasn’t a grand party. There wasn’t a large meal. There wasn’t even a lot of presents.

BUT THERE WAS a lot of presence. 🙂

You see…we ate together every meal. We sat in the living room and talked and sang–and even with the help of AUNT#1 played some music. I watched two of my AUNTS sing with the piano roll. I laughed as UNCLE#4 grouched about everything we talked about. I went on a hike to AUNT#3’s house with AUNT #4. (I have 7 AUNTS mom is #8 in her family). ME and AUNT #3&4 went through AUNT #3’s closet. I have a whole pile of clothes to up-cycle. AUNT #1 gave me a couple free guitar lessons. AUNT#2 and ME did a puzzle pretty much half the day. My little cousin with cerebral palsy traded me his cell phone number so he could text me things like: “K now I hapy.” I stared at old pictures of GRANDPA-K and GRANDMA-K at their 60th anniversary. I did GRANDPA-K’s dishes. I felt loved.

I just got home today. There was another snow storm and instead of rushing home to be by myself for three days I stayed. Four glorious days with my AUNTS and my GRANDPA.  The snowstorm passed and it has been four days since I was home in my bed.

When I was a kid Christmas was magical. Toys under the tree. New toys at both GRANDMA’s house. Family so large at both get togethers. FOOD everywhere. Leftovers and cookies to munch on all day long. I’d sit at GRANDMA-K’s feet and she would tell me (and everyone else stories.)

I never thought it could ever get more magical than that.  Until I left GRANDPA-K’s today and drove home. Thinking about everything that I got to experience I felt very blessed this Christmas. Thank you GRANDMA-K for clearing the snow–and making Christmas for me. Now if you could just tell me some of your stories still…

*Merry Christmas. Hug the ones you LOVE.*

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UPDATE on Dude, THErightMAN, and GRIEF…

ON DUDE:

Christmas is here, and I haven’t heard from him since his last text before thanksgiving that stated he would call–but he didn’t. I didn’t realize until I read through some of my older posts how far I have come emotionally and spiritually again. My past posts on DUDE, specifically “My Heart is Taken” has shown me this. My trust that God would take away the heart-ache has come true. I do have small reminders every once an a while–a dream, a photo, a friend mentions something. BUT–Today I am determined to believe that I won’t be the one standing awkwardly if we meet again. Of course there is always that twinge of ache that one feels when running into someone they love–that doesn’t seem to love them back, but I am determined it will not be as horrible as I imagine. Especially since I have this hope.

ON THERIGHTMAN:

These thoughts give me more hope for what I want–for God to show me a man to have a family with, grow old with, play with for the rest of my life. DUDE seemed to be Mr. Perfect, but I need to remind myself that it is not me that gets to choose. I need to hand it over. I have found that the hardest days to do this are not weekdays–but Sundays. You would think that going to church would make my heart stronger. Sometimes watching the kids with their moms in the pews makes my heart wrench. I know that I am no where financially ready for a child, a wedding, anything else I WANT. That doesn’t take away the ache. I am sure he is out there somewhere….I just do not know where.

ON GRIEF:

Christmas Eve is tomorrow and I have a card with no stamp that I never sent. It’s recipient will never get it because I never put it in the mail. I was planning on handing it to her on Christmas Eve. Last Monday GRANDMA-H tripped, had heart failure–no one has really told me yet, but this Friday was the funeral and Saturday was church and burial. (Catholic Funerals have 3 parts…viewing, church, burial.) It wasn’t something I was prepared for.

GRANDMA-K passed away 2 years ago this upcoming February. I still bust out into tears for that loss–and I was able to say goodbye. I last spoke with GRANDMA-H about two weeks after Thanksgiving. We didn’t talk much. She sent me cards for holidays and birthdays. She was up for Thanksgiving with our family this year–but we haven’t had a family Christmas on the H side since 2005. My fathers family does not get along. The last thanksgiving was like an episode of Jerry Springer. Aunt-K slapped Aunt-M and Dad cursed them both out. There weren’t many great memories after I reached an age old enough to understand the twisted workings of my family. Life was a lot easier when I could believe that my aunts were just a little weird and my father had a natural temper–not something he was raised into.

When I was little Grandma-H would do anything for her grand-kids. When we went over to Grandma-H’s house we knew we were going to do something fun. She would play with us. She would buy us toys. Once she even got me an my BRO ducks. A white duck and a Mallard or some sort. We had so much fun with our pet ducks. At the age of 19 I tried to save a terrier from death and couldn’t keep it. GRANDMA-H took it. She loved all animals. She was a sucker for those animal protection commercials. She had the car tags that had the animals. She had cows and chickens and any other invalid animal she could save. GRANDMA-H lived really close to us when we were little. We went over for all the holidays. I remember that when she colored with us she couldn’t stay in between the lines. (At least that is how I remember it) I remember that her MAC-n-CHEESE tasted different from moms. I remember that she loved us even when we were brats. (and all kids can be brats) When I was a senior in high school she took me on a trip to NYC. (NOV. 2001)

Then I grew up. It all started after a call from AUNT-K. I was at school (college-undergrad) She was screaming into the phone. I started to cry. Why was she mad at me? What had I done? I had visited grandma and in an impromptu visit to grandma had led me to AUNT-M’s house. Who has two kids. I took LITTLE-CUZ-B and LITTLE-CUZ-G to the flea market for a half of a day. They looked awful. They looked neglected. I had been a camp counselor for long enough to know–sending them back to their house was going to be hard.

I went home and told my mother and father–they needed to do something. ANYTHING. I told them something wasn’t right. They did call Children’s services and found that there was a case being built against AUNT-M and her new husband. Mom who worked for the state at the time looked up some of the past charges (A large amount of animal cruelty was charged against them) Then we found out GRANDMA-H was watching my 2 cousins because the state was involved in a children services case. GRANDMA-H wasn’t allowed to watch them anymore because they wanted the boys further away. GRANDMA-H  had also done some abusive things to the boys. AUNT-M called us and asked mom and dad to take in the two boys. It took them two days to decide to accept. They knew what it would mean. AUNT-K called with nasty words again–“Why didn’t they ask me?” GRANDMA-H called with nasty words “Your just going to die” (to my father).

Of course this was just a nasty cycle. My family forgave–AUNT-K (more level headed than AUNT-M believe it or not) called and apologized. GRANDMA-H came out to visit the two boys. Then she left and made a false accusation to children’s services about ME. Luckily the social worker thought that she wasn’t telling the truth. I was appalled. My mom was appalled. My father said “welcome to the family.”

She called and apologized. The boys custody battle ended with them going to other family living arrangements. Their biological father and biological mother. They both lived with us for about two years.

After that, nothing really went back to what it was. We used to be able to at least get together for short amounts of holiday time. It took a couple years but GRANDMA-H started visiting her sons and daughters separately. Sometimes GRANDMA-H’s visits were nice. Sometimes she said things that didn’t make any sense.

Me and mom thought that she had the onset of Alzheimer. She didn’t seem to be completely there. Every time I went to her house it seemed to look worse. Mom said there were paths through the house, a room just for the dogs, the upstairs just shut up. The kitchen full of leftovers. She shouldn’t have been in the house–but how do you move an old farm wife away from the farm?

When GRANDMA-K died I was devastated. I loved GRANDMA-K and pretty much want to be just like her. She knew I didn’t get along with GRANDMA-H very well–or at least held some animosity because of the pain she caused the family and me. After GRANDMA-K was gone though I could hear her voice “You go visit Grandma…she loves you… ” GRANDMA-K called everyone, she spoke to GRANDMA-H often. I did go visit her. The last time I made it up she was in a nursing home. When I got there I found that it was quite large and I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to locate her.

I went up to the front desk and asked if anyone knew H. More than 5 nursed turned around very excited to tell me how wonderful my GRANDMA-H was. When they took me to her GRANDMA-H walked me down to the cafeteria. On the way she was saying hi to everyone–by name.

It is sad to me that the strongest memories of my grandmother are not so good. At the funeral it was hard to stand next to AUNT-M, and force myself to be sorry for a person that neglected her children. I AM genuinely sad about loosing my GRANDMA-H, but it is a twisted torn sadness that is very different from other grief. I was still working on forgiving her….for so much more than what is even written here. Things that I am still learning about from my father and mother.

I want to remember the good things. I want to remember her voice on the phone telling me that she loves me and my brother. I want to remember that she send me a card with cash for almost every holiday you could imagine. I want to remember that she promised to take me shopping the next time I went up and visited her. I want to remember the Christmas’s, Thanksgivings, Easters that we did spend at GRANDMA-H’s. I never saw Santa anywhere but at GRANDMA-H’s. She got Santa to come every Christmas Eve–some farmer dressed in a red suit that made our night.

GRANDMA-H was a little bit quirky. She didn’t put covers on her leftovers before putting them in the fridge. She had a room for her two toy dogs (that they destroyed). She spent lots of money on making sure her hair was done and she didn’t have grays. She had a temper and it could snap in an instant on you. She was easily persuaded to believe something of gossip—and fight back. She lost her keys and her phone often. She ran red lights with me in the car….She tried to be perfect, but no body is , not even grandma’s. At her wake I saw and heard people say over and over “your grandmother was so nice.” Even people that I did not know. She did things undercover. She was involved in the Alter Rosary Society.She did Eucharistic Adoration. She visited the nursing home even after she left–because she had friends there. She walked almost everyday with her neighbor. She talked on the phone almost everyday with a distant cousin of mine. She gave me huge hugs when GRANDMA-K died.  She didn’t always get things right….but sometimes she did.

And on that note.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

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On my other blog “Jr. High Wit and Wisdom” I posted: Three reasons why teachers teach.

Enjoy.

Jr. High Wit and Wisdom....

* I did edit names out of these… the children I am around don’t have one letter names…nor do the teachers. 🙂

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Dumassitax

Met an old high school friend for coffee and we deduced the following things about the female gender and reptiles.

1. Females might be reptiles

2. there is a theory that reptiles are trying to take over the world. (Google it… it’s out there. )

One might be thinking “what on earth brought on this conversation?” well…

MY FEET WERE COLD.

Yup.

HSFRIEND-TY: women’s feet are always cold… they are ectothermic.

ME: yea, that makes sense.

HSFRIEND-TY: seriously I think women are reptiles.

ME: don’t tell your GF that. She may take offense.

HSFRIEND-TY: …and did you know there is a theory about reptiles taking over the world?

ME: Wha?

HSFRIEND-TY: yup this guy… David Icke. (he pronounced that last name like icth)

ME: well that’s intriguing.

Promptly the conversation ended on this topic and averted to loving gossip about old high school friends or not friends and what they were up to. As the conversation glided over to him and his girlfriend we made full circle though.

HSFRIEND-TY: yeah… its like she has these moments… all girls do…

ME: sometimes you are so harsh.

HSFRIEND-TY: like Dumassitax.

ME: *laughter* Dumassitax… like a dinosaur.

HSFRIEND-TY: yeah… wait… what?

ME: DUMASSITAX?

HSFRIEND-TY: no I meant… DUMB…ASS…ATTACKS… wow… guess that goes with “the whole women are reptiles thing. ”

gooddaysir…goodday…. 🙂

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